It’s absolutely heartbreaking… I cannot sleep. One huge cathartic wave, a culmination of events lessons experiences. Letting go of something I never had and losing something but not knowing what. The crest is near.
Is a goodbye easier when you get a chance to actually say it or if it goes pass without warning? There’s a lingering discomfort that increases with each utterance. Watching my grandfather slowly disintegrating, yet clinging with desparation to ideas of what should be, he should be, do. Saying goodbye over and over again until it transforms from a conversational response to a command, request, plea. Having something taken from you without having a chance to say goodbye.
Why do we drawn them out when they become increasingly difficult?
I am hesitant and anxious to complete push through the process tonight. My goodbye tonight is to a piece of myself I could never be, to an intimacy that seems to disintegrate the more I try to cling to it, to ideas of should’s and be’s that I only heard about yet never witnessed, to trying to find a sense of completion through others, running from feelings of loneliness and only finding that it is amplifies in the presence of others. A sense of failure that conjured by new arrivals and ineffective pauvlovian responses.
There is a fear and comfort in it. It is now a strange formality, recognition of an event that is taking place, a small act of agency in a sea where I feel like I have very little control.
Loose my tongue so I may say it whole heartedly, I pray that I only have to say it just once this time.
